Everyone knows most affairs happen at work and its easy to see why. Now that I am married, I'd like avoid that ever happening to our marriage, but I am so used to the banter and the latent sexual edge of office life. Are there any Jewish guidelines that can help me stay true to myself, true to my wife, and still a part of the office crowd?
Everyone knows most affairs happen at work and its easy to see why. Now that I am married, I'd like avoid that ever happening to our marriage, but I am so used to the banter and the latent sexual edge of office life. Are there any Jewish guidelines that can help me stay true to myself, true to my wife, and still a part of the office crowd?
Judaism has never been afraid of the sexual urge, recognizing that it is part of the human condition. Tradition says we are born with two “yetzers”, or inclinations. On e is the inclination for good and the other inclination bad. Strangely enough , the bad inclination is not really bad, only if carried to an extreme or in unworthy pursuits. Thus, having sex with one’s spouse is really good, while indulging in extra marital affairs is not good. The Bible and the Talmud are replete with people ( even our “heroes”) who have been tempted .Some failed, and others did not.ave been tempted .Some failed, and others did not.
The Jewish guideline I would suggest is from the Shema.It says, “these words shall be on your heart, and frontlets before your eyes” as a constant reminder. In the same vein, your wedding ring should be a constant reminder of who you are and the principles that you aspire to. Respect for yourself and your mate should always be uppermost in your thoughts and deeds. Unlike Christianity, desire for someone else is not a sin, only acting on it As our tradition says, be strong and of good courage.
Answered by: Rabbi Harold Kudan (Emeritus)
Yes, as with any serious topic in life, Judaism has much to say on this subject. We live in an over-sexed society, where certain people are constantly trying to push the “sexual edge”, which the 24/7 media and blogosphere document with an almost obsessive fervor. For anyone who reads the paper, looks at subway ads or even listens to radio commercials, it is almost impossible to escape this sexual climate.
Traditional Judaism has always viewed sex and discussion of sexuality as a more private matter that is invariably sullied when pushed into the public forum. The Hebrew term for marriage in Judaism is kiddushin, which stresses the fact that each spouse has chosen the other as his or her exclusive partner. We achieve holiness, or kedusha, the root of kiddushin, when we separate something of value from its remainder, whether the Sabbath from the other six days of the week, or a spouse from all the other available men or women. As the Torah hints (Genesis 2:24), sexual intimacy creates unity between husband and wife not only on a physical level, but also on the intellectual and emotional planes. The privacy and uniqueness of this relationship elevates what can be an animalistic instinct into a sacred union, which hopefully carries over into all aspects of the marriage, and vice versa.
In the office, there is a strong pull to be like one of the boys (or girls), which is understandable. None of us wants to be that “holier than thou” guy who is aloof, especially since teamwork has become such an important part of the workplace. While you didn’t mention the issue, every workplace has rules against sexual harassment, which often can include inappropriate banter, innuendo etc. This is obviously a welcome and much needed safeguard against unethical and/or illegal behavior, and is in line with Jewish tradition. Assuming then, that you are referring to non-harassing sexual banter, one can still be a full teammate without participating in it, and without getting on a pedestal. When the conversation moves into that area, you can remain silent, or deflect the conversation to another area. People may pick up on this, and naturally begin to lessen the banter, and some may ask you to explain this change of behavior. At that point, in a non-moralizing way, you can say that as a married man, you feel uncomfortable talking about such things, and that you and your wife have chosen to maintain privacy about sexual matters in order to enhance your own relationship. From my own experience in the workplace, I have always found that if you are consistent and matter of fact in your behavior, people will respect you, which can have positive effects in all aspects of your work.
Beyond the banter, there are many other workplace challenges to a healthy marriage, especially if there is intensive work with members of the opposite gender. There are also certain social expectations, whether lunches, after-hours drinks, or travel-related entertainment. When in such situations, or on Facebook with a colleague or acquaintance, always ask yourself whether you would share such communications, or delineate your activities, with or to your spouse. If you can’t, then you know that you are crossing a line, and that you must pull back. Jewish law also proscribes being alone with a member of the opposite sex, other than your spouse or close relative, in order to stop inappropriate behavior. There are also Jewish restrictions against physical affection between people not married to each other (again excluding close relatives), also meant to ensure that the sacredness of the physical relationship between spouses is maintained.
The challenges can be difficult, but if you focus on your work, and maintain your vigilance against untoward communications and behavior, you will cement your marriage, and ensure that an ephemeral moment of pleasure does not threaten a permanent relationship with the person that you chose from all others.
Yes! Harold S. Kushner writes in his book TO LIFE " When Judaism teaches that we are are responsible for our actions, it is telling us that we are responsible for what we do, not what we think, dream, or fantasize about."
The banter and latent sexual edge of office life are, I suppose, part of the culture of the work place. Your participation in the verbal chitchat is acceptable, but keep in mind that you are responsible to see that it remains there (not in the realm of actions).
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