Who should I invite to my husband's unveiling? [Administrator's note: there are several other questions relating to unveilings on JVO which can be found by searching for 'unveiling'.]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I cannot imagine the pain of losing a partner.

 

The mourning process in Jewish tradition is one of the things that I believe we do well.  From shiva through yahrtzeit, every piece of the mourning process is meant to help us honor the memory of our beloved and to help us remember them.  The unveiling is just one part of that process.  

 

There is no set tradition for an unveiling, or even a halahic requirement that we must have one.  However, it is a common custom to unveil a monument around the first year after the death of a loved one.  Similar to a Jewish funeral, there is little ritual for an unveiling.  People gather and recite some Psalms or other readings related to loss and life, followed by El Malei Rahamim and Kaddish.  

 

My recommendation is to invite those people who you want present at the unveiling.  The rituals of mourning are meant, in their deepest form, for the mourners – not the deceased.  An unveiling should be supportive of your mourning process.  In that way, the primary question is not who you should invite, but rather who would be supportive to you in your time of mourning.  

 

I hope that the mourning process will be helpful for you and your family.  May the memory of your husband be a blessing for you and may his neshamah have an aliyah.

 

     Let me begin by expressing my sincere condolences for your loss.  An “unveiling” has become a custom that carries with it deep personal, and at times, communal, relevance.  You should surround yourself with the people who will best support you emotionally and whose presence will most honor your husband’s memory.  The overriding consideration in preparing a grave and erecting a headstone are the halakhic principles of kavod ha-met (honoring the deceased) and mitzvah le-kayeim divrei ha-met  (fulfilling the wishes of the deceased).   If your husband expressed any particular guidance on this matter, all things being equal, clearly it would be important to enact his wishes.  At the same time, another primary reason for erecting a matzeivah (burial monument) is le-tzorkhei ha-chayim , for the benefit of the living. It is important for the survivors to know where lies their ancestor so that they may visit and "fall upon his/her grave and pray" (Yad Yitzchak 3:38; Kol Bo 5:3:1). Additionally, a matzeivah serves both the dead and the living as a monument of remembrance (Elyah Rabbah 224; Kol Bo 5:3:2).  In sum, your decision should be guided by your desire to honor your husband's memory and to bring comfort to yourself and all other mourners. 

     While in English we refer to the service as an “unveiling,” in Hebrew we call it a “hakamat hamatzeivah – the erection of a monument.”   The removal of a cover from the stone is acutally quite extraneous to the essential Jewish rite.  The traditional Jewish service surrounding the erection of a burial monument is elegant in its simplicity.  Psalms are sung, memories are shared, the inscription upon the monument is read, the Kel Maleh memorial prayer is chanted, and if there is a minyan present then the Kaddish is recited.

     In Israel, it is common to arrange for a monument to be placed on the grave as early as the end of shiva (the seven day mourning period).  Others in Israel will gather at the grave with its newly set monument upon completion of the sheloshim (the thirty day mourning period) .  Outside of Israel, it is common custom to hold the “unveiling” around the first yahrzeit.  Some suggest that the basis of this custom is ancient, harkening back to the time of the Mishnah (200 CE) when the body was laid to rest in a hollowed-out limestone niche for a year.  At the end of the year, the bones of the deceased were gathered by the mourning family and interred in an ossuary (Lawrence Schiffman, From Text to Tradition, p. 262).  Others believe that the unveiling was aligned with the first yahrzeit in order to bring family members together again and give the occasion greater prominence.  Yet others explain that outside the Land of Israel, especially in the Eastern European Northern climes, quite often the ground was frozen during the late Fall, Winter and early Spring, thus making the erection of a monument nigh impossible until the ground thawed.   Relaxing the need to establish a monument within seven or thirty days allowed everyone to honor their loved one in the same way, regardless of what time of year the death and burial took place.

          Though there is no obligation to inscribe upon a matzeivah (monument) any shevachim (descriptive praise) whatsoever (Igrot Moshe, Y"D 1:228), there have diverse customs regarding inscriptions.  The present minhag (custom) outside of Israel seems to be to inscribe brief, descriptive praises, such as  " ... Beloved Husband, Devoted Father and Grandfather," in addition to the deceased's Hebrew and English names and the Hebrew and English dates marking the end of the deceased's life.   In other locales, elaborate descriptions, often in poetic style, are inscribed.  Present minhag, especially proven family practice, is a major factor in defining the mourners' obligations concerning burial standards, including the erection and inscription of a matzeivah (Tur, Y"D 348; Kol Bo 5:3:1).

    May the Omnipresent comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

 

 

An unveiling is an important ceremony for Jewish mourners. However, the ceremony that accompanies the placing of a tombstone or grave marker is a more recent innovation to Judaism, and as such, there is no prescribed ritual. Usually, people say a few words about the deceased, and a selection of readings, Jewish texts, poems, or psalms are often read. Unveilings are usually done at the conclusion of the 11 month mourning period, although some wait until the first yahrtzeit. Again, there is no Jewish law regarding this- if a family wanted to do an unveiling earlier or later for family reasons, there would be reason not to.

 

In addition to all of this, the invitation of people to any Jewish lifecycle event- a Bnei Mitzvah, wedding, funeral, or unveiling, is purely the choice of individuals. Unveilings are usually smaller, more intimate family affairs than funerals. It might also be an opportunity to give those who missed the funeral, for whatever reason, a chance to say goodbye. I think from an emotional standpoint, it would be best to include those who would best support the direct family of deceased- brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, spouses, and parents. Whoever can give strength to those that were affected by the loss are those that should be there for an unveiling.

There is no right or wrong answer to this question. I would say, generally, invite whomever you’d like to see there. 

 

As others have noted on this site, the unveiling is a relatively recent innovation, without halakhic (traditional legal) force. It is an opportunity for mourners to formally revisit memories of the departed near or at the end of the first year of mourning. It should not be a second funeral. It is a time to recognize the emotional and spiritual progress the mourners have made toward assimilating their loss and their memories into a new rhythm of life. It must not serve to re-open painful wounds, or to roll back the mourning process.

 

For many families, this means the unveiling involves a much smaller group of people. It is not necessary or expected that a family post a public notice of the service as with a funeral. Often, only close relatives attend, sometimes with very special friends: those for whom the loved one’s absence continues to make a real and present difference.

 

On the other hand, if you suspect or know that a larger number of people would find it meaningful and comforting to be at the unveiling, and if their presence would support (or at least not interfere with) your experience of the ritual, you may certainly invite them as well.

 

Wishing you comfort and strength.