Are there any limitations about having sex during marriage? Is it ok to use birth control?

This is a terrific and really big question for which this short answer may not suffice.  The first and foremost part of my response, however, is to express as genuinely and fervently as possible that sex is an extremely meaningful part of being a human being.  It is not a subject for which we should be embarrassed or from which we should refrain discussing with spouses or significant others, and perhaps, even rabbis. 

 

1. Are there any limitations about having sex during marriage?

 

First of all, Jewish tradition regards sexual satisfaction within marriage as the right of both parties.  Indeed, in the ketubah (marriage contract) one of the obligations the husband takes on is his wife’s sexual gratification.  Relations must be consensual, however; unlike some other legal systems, Judaism does not condone marital rape.  Jewish law traditionally was written from a male perspective and assumes that the husband will usually take the lead in initiating sexual relations, but rabbinic maxims also remind men that women may also do so, though in a less direct manner. 

 

Second, there are limitations on when a couple may have sex.  According to the Torah, contact with a dead body or having certain bodily discharges, including semen and menstrual blood, render the person who has them tamei (m.) or t’mei’ah (f.), “unfit” to come into contact with the sacred precinct of the Temple sanctuary, the offerings, or the kohanim (priests) who officiated in the Temple.  Tamei / t’mei’ah is usually translated as “impure” or “unclean,” which has led to the misperception that it is a value judgment on the person or even a moral category.    

 

Since the destruction of the Temple, these laws lost their practical import, though some are still observed in a way that is essentially symbolic.  For example, kohanim (men who have priestly descent) are traditionally barred from entering a Jewish cemetery, where they would be walking on ground in which bodies are buried, for other than the funeral of an immediate relative, even though there is no Temple service from which these men would then be disqualified from performing.

 

However, in addition to including menstrual blood among the bodily discharges that render a person tamei/t’mei’ah (Lev. 15:19-33), the Torah also explicitly forbids a man to have sexual relations with a menstruating woman (Lev. 18:19, 20:18).  According to the latter source, the penalty for violation of this law is karet, “extirpation,” usually translated as “cutting off:”  …both of them shall be cut off from among their people.”  (Karet is punishment at the hand of God for certain deliberately committed transgressions such as idolatry, desecrating Shabbat, eating leaven on Pesach, eating on Yom Kippur, incest, and adultery.  Its exact meaning is unclear, but most authorities have shared the view of the early rabbis that it meant premature death [Sifra, Emor 14:4].)  Because of these two additional verses, the prohibition of sexual relations with a menstruating woman retained its force even after the destruction of the Temple, even though the reason for it – that the man should not become tamei – no longer applied. 

 

Without a doubt the fact that the laws of niddah (“the menstruant”) were the most stringently applied laws of tum’ah (“unfitness”) that were retained in the centuries since the Temple’s destruction, and the fact that they affected every adult Jew, contributed to and strengthened misogynistic strands of thought within Judaism; but it is important to recognize that in their original context they were not uniquely directed at women, but were part of a larger religious legal structure that encompassed relationships between both men and women and God.    

 

According to the Torah, a woman is a niddah, “menstruant,” for seven days from the time she first sees menstrual blood, during which period she is t’mei’ah; on the eighth day, if her bleeding has ceased, she is tehorah (again, misleadingly translated as “clean” or “pure”).  However, over time the rabbinic interpretation of the law became more stringent, with the result that a woman is considered niddah for the presumed five days of her actual menstrual  flow, or longer if necessary, plus an additional seven days, after which she must immerse in the mikveh before she and her husband can resume relations.

 

Although nineteenth century Reformers did not discuss niddah, they explicitly rejected the observance of all laws having to do with the Temple, on the grounds that these could have no spiritual meaning for modern people.  Over the course of the twentieth century, however, and now in the twenty-first, Reform Jews have rediscovered meaning in many practices they once rejected.  While very few couples choose to observe niddah, particularly in the stringent way it evolved in the halakha, some have chosen to observe it in the biblical fashion.

 

What meaning do they find?  It attunes them more closely to their bodies and the rhythms of life, sensitizing them to the wondrousness of life and reverence for its Creator.  Also, they find that a monthly enforced break from sexual relations leads them to deepen the emotional aspects of their relationship, and gives them a renewed sexual appreciation for each other.        

 

Third, there are some disagreements regarding types of sexual activity.  Rabbinic law regards seminal emission by masturbation as a very serious offense, despite the absence of an explicit prohibition in the Torah.  For some authorities, any emission of semen outside the vagina also constituted hash’hatat zera, “wasting seed,” and they therefore prohibited, or at least discouraged, fellatio and anal intercourse.  These tend to be restrictive also with regard to cunnilingus.  Other authorities held that all forms of sexual activity were legitimate between a married couple. 

 

2. Is it ok to use birth control?

 

Here’s an excerpt from Mark Washofsky’s book Jewish Living:  a Guide to Contemporary Reform Practice (NY:  UAHC, 2001), p. 242:

 

“According to Jewish tradition, it is a mitzvah, a religious duty, to have children.  Yet tradition recognizes that there are times when a couple might justifiably not be prepared to have children or to increase the size of their family, and it acknowledges that sexual intercourse within marriage carries a value of its own even when it does not and cannot lead to procreation.  For these reasons, Jewish law permits the use of birth control methods, including artificial contraceptives, under these circumstances.

 

“Reform Judaism respects the right of parents to determine how many children they shall have, although we emphasize that bringing Jewish children into the world remains a special mitzvah and encourage couples to consider the matter of family size carefully and with due regard to the problem of Jewish survival.  We discourage such permanent methods of birth control as sterilization and vasectomy.”