A married friend confided that she had an affair with a colleague. They had full contact and pleasured each other sexually - completely, but short of intercourse. She now feels very bad about it and has left that workplace, as well as terminated the relationship. Her husband has no idea that anything was amiss. She wonders about the following: Is she obligated to inform him? Is she considered an adulteress? What is the status of her marriage? What can she do for teshuva?

        I want to preface my response by urging those involved to find appropriate rabbinic and psychological counsel. This is not a process that should be done alone. That being said, I don't think it is out of line to suggest that anyone who is married but searching outside the marriage for physical and emotional connection should reassess those actions.

 

        While a technical question regarding the status of this woman as an adulteress accord to halakha (Jewish Law) exists in this query, the main ethical question I hear is, how must this woman now function as a wife given her extramarital affair? Without quoting a bunch of sources and creating a “legal” answer, I would argue that it sounds like this woman searched outside her marriage for the type of physical and emotional connection reserved for one’s spouse. This should be a sign to her that something needs to be fixed in the relationship. Ideally, one in this situation would tell their partner that about their affair and engage with their spouse, to rebuild their marriage. That is the only possible teshuva that I could imagine.

 

        Regarding her status as an adulteress, the Torah and the rabbis of the Talmud do not offer lengthy descriptions of the panorama of sexual acts available for human pleasure in the same way that modern culture is so comfortable with exploring. Rather, traditional sources tend to use sexual intercourse as the default when articulating sexual relationships. As the modern world has become more comfortable with casual and varied sexual relationships, the singularity of the halakhic definition for sexual activity seems more pronounced. In the case of sexual interaction without intercourse, the tradition is forced to reconcile with new and modern concepts of sexuality that challenge what it means to commit adultery.

          

       The term adulteress in traditional halakhic Judaism is one which denotes a particular legal status. The Biblical prohibitions against adultery, found in the Ten Commandments (number seven, Exodus 20:14) as well Leviticus 20:10, prohibit sexual intercourse between a married man and a married woman. That the woman is married is what creates the status of adultery. The married woman may not have sexual intercourse with someone other than her husband. The Torah proscribes the death penalty for this act (towards both offenders) but the rabbis of the Talmud, uncomfortable with this punishment, create a great number of regulations specifically around witness procedure, in order to limit the possibility of the death penalty. In order to be deemed an adulteress, one had to have a number of witnesses testify that they saw her engaged in these acts. In spite of this, there are also a number of sources within legal codes which speak to the idea that a woman and a man should have no social contact. Since the modern Jewish world rejects these restrictions, it would be difficult to rely on these sources to identify the woman as an adulteress. All of this suggests that this woman may not be a technical adulteress but this does not alleviate her responsibilities to her husband. 

A married friend confided that she had an affair with a colleague. They had full contact and pleasured each other sexually - completely, but short of intercourse. She now feels very bad about it and has left that workplace, as well as terminated the relationship. Her husband has no idea that anything was amiss. She wonders about the following: Is she obligated to inform him? Is she considered an adulteress? What is the status of her marriage? What can she do for teshuva?

 

About a decade ago, I attended a lecture by Judith Wallerstein, a psychologist who has devoted her career to studying the effects of divorce on children.  One of the points that she made is that sometimes, two people may be legally married -- but are so distant from one another, so distrustful of one another, that they aren’t really married. In such a case, she said, unless the couple works very hard at creating and maintaining an honest and mutually supportive relationship, their marriage will soon be “in name only” – if it isn’t already. And once that happens, there is very little holding it together.

 

That’s what occurred to me when I read your very sad question.  Is your friend “really” married?  Does she share an essentially trusting and loving relationship with her husband -- and is the behavior you’ve described above an aberration? Or is this behavior an indication of the lack of true intimacy, satisfaction, and trust in their marital relationship?

 

Either way, I believe that your friend should pursue counseling to address what led her to this behavior.   

 

Judaism does not demand total openness, even in an intimate relationship. Keeping a secret, even from one’s spouse, can sometimes be justified.  (I can imagine not wanting to tell your spouse the birthday present you’ve picked out for him/her.)  But keeping a secret of this kind?

 

At this point, your friend need not tell her husband all of the details of what transpired between her and her colleague, but she should tell her husband enough to help him realize how essential it is that they sit down and talk about their marriage with a trained, experienced and empathic counselor – if, that is, they want to remain married.  Once they have found such a person, they should explore what they have in common  -- and what they don’t; what they are getting out of their marriage – and what they’re not. 

 

You ask about teshuvah (the Jewish notion of “repentance”).  If teshuvah is important to your friend, all of what I have written above goes without saying. For teshuvah always begins with confession.  In this case, your friend would confess what she has done, apologize for it, and vow not to do it again.  Maimonides teaches us that one never knows whether teshuvah is sincere unless one is placed in the same situation again – and behaves differently.  So it wouldn’t be surprising if (at least initially) your friend’s confession and apology fall on deaf ears.  But the road to teshuvah often goes through challenging terrain.

 

It is important to emphasize that it is possible that your friend and her husband will reconcile. Infidelity of the kind you’ve described needn’t destroy a marriage, but it certainly needs to be understood, not only by your friend, but also by her husband.  Should your friend successfully make amends and heal the breach in her relationship with her husband, our tradition teaches us that full atonement can then be sought.