If a person advanced money for the care of his mother [parent], can he then say that he wants the whole sum returned, and not agree to be part of a 4 way division of the estate to the four siblings? This would effectively mean that he would not contribute at all towards the costs of the care of his mother, because he is charging his siblings for the cash he forwarded to the estate to pay for the care of his mother. Is that money he does not pay considered interest, and would it be excessive usury (25%) and not allowed? What do Jewish values say about this situation? CLARIFICATION: This is the fuller scenario: My mother a'h' was hospitalized and then sent to a nursing home where we supplied extra aides for the night shift to watch her. It was very costly. I suggested to my 3 siblings that we should sell my mothers house, or take out a mortgage or an equity loan or a reverse mortgage on her home to cover these costs. My brother said no, he would not do that. I pointed out that our mother had a house, social security, some other money, and a rental income from a lease on the first floor of the home, so no one should be responsible to pay from their pocket for her care because she has income and can afford it herself. He (on his own) decided to shell out the cost of her care from his own pocket, rather than take it out of the value of the property. The total bill for expenditure that he gave out from 2004 till 2008 was $300,000 for aides in the home. Now skip to the present. Mother died in 2008. It turns out that my brother had been given a power of attorney over the property, though he did not tell us this. We want to settle the estate. We finally sold the house. He wants the whole sum of money he shelled out paid back to him, before we settle. The result would be that he would not pay his one-fourth share of the $300,000 costs ($300,000 divided by 4=$75,000). He refuses to accept anything less than the $300,000 amount because he shelled out the total amount, and now he says he is exempt from paying his share for the care of my mother. In other words, effectively, he is charging the estate $75,000 dollars for the use of his money, or a fee of one-fourth (25%). Is this legitimate per Jewish law (Halachah)?

If a person advanced money for the care of his mother [parent], can he then say that he wants the whole sum returned, and not agree to be part of a 4 way division of the estate to the four siblings? This would effectively mean that he would not contribute at all towards the costs of the care of his mother, because he is charging his siblings for the cash he forwarded to the estate to pay for the care of his mother. Is that money he does not pay considered interest, and would it be excessive usury (25%) and not allowed? What do Jewish values say about this situation?

Often, when people come to a rabbi with a “shailah,” a question, they already have some idea what they think the answer to their question should be.  They are seeking the rabbi’s validation for their point of view rather than a position based on calm deliberation as well as Jewish law and ethics.

As I read your question, I sensed that you had a pretty good idea what you think should be done in this painful situation. After all, prima-facie your brother’s decision to keep a large portion of your mother’s estate seems unreasonable and unfair. He chose to spend his own money for the care of your mother rather than using her resources to provide for her in her time of need. Now, he is using his power of attorney to reimburse himself for past costs.  You presume that your mother would have wanted her property equally divided among the children. You ask whether your brother’s decisions are legitimate under Jewish law and if the brothers decision not to accept part of the costs for his mother’s care as excessive usury.

There are no simple answers to the questions you are asking. I am always saddened when I find families bickering over money and estates after the death of a dear parent when they should be comforting and helping one another. An argument over money is probably the last thing your mother would have wanted for her children. I sense from your question that your brother is quite angry; it appears that he was forced to carry a significant part of the burden in caring for your mother in her final years. While it may have been his decision to use his own funds to do so, I have to wonder where the rest of the family was during this time and why there wasn’t some serious discussion and a sharing of responsibilities among all the siblings. I know from personal experience that caring for an aging parent can be an overwhelming responsibility not only financially but personally and emotionally as well. It seems that your brother’s anger is not so much about financial reimbursement as it is about his frustration as a person who felt he was abandoned by his siblings.

You state that your brother has power of attorney – this means that from a legal standpoint how the money is divided up is really up to him. Does he have a moral obligation to fulfill his mother’s wishes with her possessions? I would think so. But do we really know what your mother’s wishes were or how she wished her estate to be divided up?

In the Jewish tradition a child has an obligation to provide for his or her parents in their old age unconditionally. There are no conditions placed on how much money he or she spends or whether the other children equally share the expenses in the care of a parent. I do not know if it is fair for your brother to expect to be ‘reimbursed’ for the expenses he incurred during your mother’s hospitalization. But by the same token, I think you have a moral obligation to look at your brother’s expenses and efforts on behalf of your mother. He is certainly entitled to some type of reimbursement for these expenses.

I suspect that you have only shared part of the story with me. There are many more facets that I would need to know in order to answer your question from the perspective of Jewish ethics. It seems to me, however, that what your brother is looking for is recognition for his efforts on behalf of your mother, and possibly an apology from siblings who were more than happy to allow him to carry this burden alone. The monetary issues need to be resolved by a lawyer or an accountant. The moral and familial issues need to be resolved by sitting down together non-judgmentally and listening to one another. You need to hear your brother’s grievances and he needs to look at his own contribution to this conflict. You can walk away from one another and never speak again, but I can tell you that your life will be impoverished by such a decision. I would encourage to give your brother a full hearing and to work hard not just to resolve these issues but also any broken relationships that have led to this situation.

Rabbi Mark B Greenspan