Al and Tipper Gore are getting divorced after a 40 year marriage. What is the Jewish view on divorce? Does the length of the marriage or status of children (all of theirs are adults) at all impact the Jewish perspective?
The media has made much of the long, public relationship between Al and Tipper Gore, displaying pictures that pre-date their wedding. It is a reminder of all the elements that are involved when two individuals enter into a marriage. The Gore family album begins when they are college kids, and follows them as they enter into their professions, celebrate births, create an extended circle of friends and family, and establish their place in the world. Understandably all those who have been touched by or have witnessed their lives are saddened when the ties that have bound the two of them come undone.
At the beginning of Tractate Sotah (2a) Rav Judah, in the name of Rav, teaches, “Forty days before a child’s birth a Divine voice goes forth to declare that this person is destined for that person.” At the end of Tractate Gittin (90b) Rabbi Elazar laments that “when one sets aside his first wife, even the altar [in the Temple] sheds tears.” Marriages are made in heaven and their dissolution brings sorrow even to the heights of heaven.
Nonetheless, Judaism recognizes the possibility that not all marriages are life-long and permits divorce. Deuteronomy 24:1 provides that if a husband is displeased with his wife and finds something untoward about her, “then he writes her a get, a document of separation, hands it to her and sends her away from his house.” Rabbi Earl A. Grollman notes (http://www.reformjudaismmag.net/300eg.html), “When the basic ingredients of love, communication, respect, and emotional support are missing, this holy union is terminable.” Considerations of the couple’s circumstances – length of marriage, ages or numbers of children, property holdings, etc. – do not affect the availability of or the formal process of divorce in Jewish life.
It needs to be acknowledged that the classical halakhah, Jewish law, only empowers the husband to initiate divorce. The liberal branches of Judaism long ago acknowledged that both men and women needed equal standing before the law; that women as well as men could initiate such proceedings. In the Orthodox community as well there have been sincere efforts in recent years to find a way to offer equal protection in these circumstances.
The sages debated the proper grounds for divorce. Bet Shammai argued for a high standard, that only sexual misconduct justified divorce, while Bet Hillel would allow divorce even for a burned dinner. (B. Gittin 90a) Bet Hillel’s position prevailed; I believe because it allows for communal flexibility. The mix of a low legal standard and an active, caring community may give friends and community the opportunity, should the opening exist, to offer support, find alternatives, provide counseling and help a couple weather tough times. It also allows for a quick dissolution if circumstances merit.
In contemporary America a get, a Jewish divorce, is contingent on and follows the civil divorce. Consequently many couples rely on lawyers, counselors, and mediators rather than seeking the resources of the Jewish community. Ideally the Jewish community could help them if they seek a way to reconcile. It could also offer support as they find a way to separate socially, spiritually and communally at the same time they are dividing the responsibility for child care, finances, and property.
Since the get is now dependant on the issuance of a civil divorce most American Reform rabbis recognize the civil decree and do not require a separate religious divorce ritual. Reform Rabbis in other parts of the world do require a religious divorce prior to a remarriage. The civil decree, however, does not address the spiritual needs of those experiencing divorce. A variety of Jewish institutions, including (among others) Jewish Family Service organizations, Centers for Jewish Healing, and Mayyim Hayyim, the community mikveh (ritual bath) in the Greater Boston area, are working to create more contemporary and egalitarian rituals for divorce.
Marriage begins by invoking the rites of kiddushin, the word for marriage derived from the root meaning holiness, and at the time of its dissolution the partners need a way to reclaim their own individual holiness. Rabbi Laura Geller writes movingly (“Mourning a Marriage”, http://www.ritualwell.org/lifecycles/adultpassages/sitefolder.2005-06-01.7092263776/) of her own divorce and of her decision, after 2 years of separation and 6 months after the issuance of a civil decree, to seek a get.
"I felt I needed to be released, to be set free from the commitments and the promises I had made to this marriage and to the man I had loved since I was twenty years old. I needed to face him one last time, and to hear him acknowledge through ancient words that our dreams had been shattered and that the sacred bonds that had connected us had been destroyed. I didn't want the ritual that ended our marriage to be easy or pleasant; I wanted it to reflect the pain and dislocation that I felt. I somehow believed that only by facing the pain could I begin to reconnect with the holiness in my life."
Rabbi Geller’s reflections remind us of the deep loss that is present even when the need for divorce is recognized.
It is difficult for two individuals who have been a couple in their own experience and in the eyes of their community to begin a new life as two separate individuals. Just as the ritual of marriage acknowledges the holy bond between two individual, the rituals of divorce help re-establish the holiness of each individual as they leave the marriage.
I repeat my longstanding policy not to mix rabbinics overly with politics, or with current events.Of course, in this instance there is surprise, shock and sadness when a very visible, seemingly “model” couple goes through the break up of their longstanding marriage.
In a very real sense it is a very public loss and a death of something that brought happiness and joy to family, friends and their society.
As in most subjects of concern, Judaism has much to say and direction to give.
Perhaps, the most perfect couple in all of Torah literature, is the first one—Adam and Eve.In a very literal sense they were made for one another.At least, Eve was made for Adam.This concept is enshrined in the blessings at each Jewish wedding, known as Sheva Berakhot—Seven Blessings.
“Bring great joy to these loving friends, as You gave joy to Your creations [Adam and Eve] in the Garden of Eden.Blessed are You, Lord, who gives joy to the bridegroom and bride.”
The seventh and final blessing is filled with joy and hope, ending, “Blessed are You, Lord, who makes the bridegroom rejoice with the bride.”
Clearly, this is an ideal.This is the Torah’s version of the way it ought to be.This is what Mazal Tov is all about.
But, of course, sadly, this ideal is aspirational but often reality is quite different.
Judaism is realistic about the difficulties involved in maintaining a Gan Eden – Garden of Eden type relationship throughout the years of marriage.
Is time and endurance really the question?We want to believe that all things are forever and to all eternity.In our Judaism we know that all of God’s creation is destined to perish.The hope given us is in terms of redemption and rebirth.However, this is not entirely comprehensible to mere mortals.Yet, it is Jewish traditional faith.
On the human level of couples and relationships, there are no ironclad guarantees.For this reason the Torah speaks of writing a sefer keritut—what in Rabbinic Judaism is known as a Get—a writ of divorce.
The Rabbis are very specific in delineating what is meant by divorce—gerushin and how to go about writing a Get.The concern was, historically, protecting the vulnerable, which in this case was generally the woman.
All aspects of relationship were taken into account, including young children, property and years of marriage.However, when a marriage breaks down, no matter after how many so ever years and no matter how many children, a marriage may have to be severed.The Rabbis would not prevent the break up, but would demonstrate appropriate concern and compassion.
Counseling would always be available, but in the end, many marriages fail and the question now becomes how to do tzedek—righteousness.As we noted before, this usually involved making sure that the woman is not left destitute and vulnerable.
What this very public marriage demonstrates is that all human beings are subject to all of the frailties of all other human beings.No one is immune.The blessing is that Judaism tackles the issues of life head on and offers tried and true methods of dealing with these issues, including divorce in a marriage of long duration.
Al and Tipper Gore are getting divorced after a 40 year marriage. What is the Jewish view on divorce? Does the length of the marriage or status of children (all of theirs are adults) at all impact the Jewish perspective?
Let me approach this question with a reflection about the method I employ. It is always hard to distill "the Jewish approach ..." - to almost anything, because there are so many answers, that can be derived from different epochs, different texts, different historical context, and such diverse contempoaray life stories of Jewish men and women.
While there are many aspects to Jewish tradition and teaching, spiritual, mystical, ritual and philosophical - I am drawn to apporach questions from the perspective of our living halakhic (legal) tradition, for this tradition must respond to the varied circumstances that arise in the lives of real people.
The law must recognize that circumstances are not always ideal. In an ideal world property lines and fences are clear, and there are no disputes about ownership - but in sad reality we know that there are many disputes about properts lines and owndership. In the Anglo-American legal system the ideal is referred to as "ab initio" and the less than ideal reality as "ex post facto". In halakha we speak of "lechatchilah" and "bedi'eved".
So now let me apply this model. There is certainly great value placed in many classical sources upon abiding marriage as the lechatchilah ("ideal") circumstance, but the Torah speaks directly of the reality of divorce, even describing the necessary ritual. The extent to which divorce is seen as unfortunate is shown in a saying of Rabbi Eleazar: "One who divorces his wife, even the very altar (in the Temple) sheds tears because of him" (Tractate Gittin 90b in the Babylonian Talmud).
However - the Talmudic tractate "Gittin" deals with divorce, and so we see clearly that from the earliest times divorce was seen as a "bedi'eved" (ex post facto) necessity - and sometimes even praisworthy. We value "Shalom Bayit" - peacefulness within the home - and sometimes this value is invoked to encourage a couple to remain together - especially if doing so would be in the best interests of young children.
But there are many marriages where "shalom bayit" is inconceivable and unattainable. Sometimes where there are issues of abusive, addictive or destructive behaviours, - and in other cases simply because of deep incompatibility, In such cases Jewish traditon and teaching sanctions, and even praises an honest and clearcut divorce.
The sadness experienced even by famous and prominent people as their relationships disolve are a sign to us all of shared humanity. I would certainly teach that we should not feel smug or suprior - but upon learning about relationships that end in divorce I would encourage all couples in married (and committed) relationships to draw close to their partners, to invest in strengthening all that is good in their relationships, so that our marriages, commitments and love will be sustained for years to come.
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