What does Judaism say about dating? In modern society people commonly lead to marriage through dating. Is there a different prescribed method in Judaism?
[Administrators note: See also related JVO question: http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=618]
Today, in the 21st century Internet Age, Judaism has a lot to say about dating (see below). But in the time of Tevye, in the Russian shtetl in 1905, it was a radical break with tradition. Yente the matchmaker in Fiddler on the Roof is certain that the wealthy butcher is a great match for Tzeitel, Tevye's oldest daughter, but Tzeitel rebelliously chooses Motel the tailor. Next, Tevye's 2nd daughter marries the revolutionary Perchik. Finally, the 3rd daughter runs off with the non-Jew Fyedka. Simultaneously humorous and tragic, the romantic quest of Tevye's daughters reveals the breakdown of parental/communal authoritative matchmaking. Indeed, Tevye's theme song Tradition, Tradition sums up his last gasping plea as he realizes that he cannot controvert the autonomous romanticism of the daughters he so cherishes.
This challenge to Tradition is illustrated in the writings of two famous Biblical commentators in the 19th century. The Malbim, Rabbi Meir Leibush (1809-1879), in his commentary on Deuteronomy 24,1 (divorce), decries the newfound notions of love, warning that immature romanticism dissipates rapidly because it is grounded in the quicksand of unrealistic expectations. The Malbim propounds adhering to Tradition where true love is designed to develop only within the context of marriage. He cites the precedent of Isaac and Rebecca and acknowledges that initial compatibility is important but that a lasting love can and should sprout within marriage. Similarly, Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch (1808–1888), leader of 19th century German Jewry, comments on Genesis 24,67, where Isaac began to love Rebecca after their marriage: See the romantic novels. Love peaks before marriage and then dwindles and peters out. But marriages based on sound and rational decision-making involving parents and family creates a far more successful long lasting love.
To this day, in many ultra-orthodox communities, matchmakers and family figures are the influential factors in marital choice. Contrastingly, in the rest of the Jewish world, dating and romanticism figure prominently. But which works "better"? Yale Professor, Theodore Lidz, concluded: "There is little if any evidence that the contemporary freedom to select partners has led to happier marriages". Lidz explained that the modern phenomenon of dating reflects our "individualistic, democratic society in which decision making rests primarily upon the two persons who are marrying", but that this is not a guarantee for more successful marriages[1]. Similarly, in a classic study comparing arranged marriages in Tokyo with romantic marriages in Detroit, it was found that although the American marriages started out with a higher level of expressed love, there was no significant difference between the two groups after ten years of marriage.[2]
Now to your question. Today, there are many sources on the Web which provide guidance and information about dating, marital choice and matchmaking. Here is a good site to begin with because it organizes and describes dozens of Jewish dating resources and sites: http://www.shidduchim.info/sites.html#resources
In today's world of Orthodoxy, matchmaking is combined with multifarious forms of dating. Here is a sample citation from http://www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com: Sasson V'Simcha (in Toronto Canada) provides "premarital education and counseling in order to establish happy, stable marriages. We offer shidduch guidance, educational programs, and run events for singles. We network with other like-minded organizations to maximize the opportunities for our clients to build batim ne'emanim b'yisroel" <literally, faithful houses in Israel>.
Finally, I suggest looking at http://www.kabbalah-dating.com of Malka Faden's innovative Kabbalah-Dating Workbook: Faden: With Kabbalah-Dating, you will learn to evaluate a partner and progress towards a realistic, long-term commitment; Improve all of your relationships; Understand breakups; Discover fulfillment on your own.
So, in conclusion, there is a plethora of practical advice in Judaism about how to find the "right match" and develop successful relationships. But although we have come a long way since Tevye's heartfelt cry of Tradition, Tradition, I would imagine that both Tevye and his daughters would still have a difficult time today navigating the challenges of romance and marriage.
[1] Theodore Lidz, The Person: His and Her Development Throughout the Life Cycle, Basic Books, 1983, ch. 13, "Marital Choice", pp. 389-391.
[2] Robert O. Blood, Jr., Love Match and Arranged Marriage: A Tokyo – Detroit Comparison, New York, 1967.
What does Judaism say about dating? In modern society people commonly lead to marriage through dating. Is there a different prescribed method in Judaism?
One beautiful aspect of this site is that people ask questions they might not feel comfortable asking in person. This is a great example. I think my answer reflects my Conservative context, in that I say, “It’s complicated!” To further complicate, I think the answer to this question needs more context. Are we talking about teenagers? College students? Young adults? More mature adults? Are we talking dating for marriage or casual dating? Are you trying to cultivate lasting friendships? Lasting relationships? Sex?
There is a midrash in Bereshit Rabbah that among the myriad actions of Gd, Gd’s major current activity is making matches. According to tradition, it is as difficult as splitting the sea during the Exodus!1 For those dating in the modern world, they certainly understand Gd’s challenge.
Secular literature suggests the more you know yourself, the better your chances of finding someone that compliments you. I would suggest thinking about yourself. What are your goals in life? What are your goals in dating? Where do you see yourself in five, ten, fifteen years?
In answering this question, I thought of two helpful resources, one new and one not so new. The Rabbinical Assembly of the Conservative Movement has recently published The Observant Life: The Wisdom of Conservative Judaism for Contemporary Jews. Within it, Rabbi David Fine writes an essay about “Marriage,” which includes a section on choosing a life partner and Rabbi Jeremy Kalmanofsky wrote about “Sex, Relationships and Single Jews”. Both are very helpful in considering this issue. It is available in Hardcover and for the Kindle.2 I also remembered a fascinating article by Rabbi Arthur Green published in The Second Jewish Catalog about Sex and Sexuality from the mid 1970s.3
In the Talmud and most of Jewish tradition, the assumption is that sex and marriage go together. As such, the best way to control the sexual urge was to marry at a relatively young age, in their upper teenage years. See for example, p. 635 in The Observant Life, citing Kiddushin 29b. The challenge for modern Jews is that we tend not to get married at 17, but a decade or two later. Can we reasonably expect people to be entirely sexually abstinent for such a long period of time? Classically, the answer is absolutely, but that does not help everyone. Most traditional sources see having multiple partners as licentiousness, which is not exactly a positive view! As such, the books I reference both discuss ideal and less ideal, lechatchila and b’dievad. They discuss the possibility of a sliding scale, that there are more ideal and less ideal choices regarding interactions, relationships and sexual activities between unmarried couples. I would highly suggest reading the three articles I references for more information on that subject.
In short, Judaism has much to say about sex and relationships, but classically little to say about dating. In some Orthodox contexts, people continue to use shadchanim or matchmakers, and then get married within a few months of meeting. In most Reform, Conservative, and less ultra-Orthodox settings, people meet through friends, Jdate, other dating websites, or shared interests and activities. People date for months or years until they believe they are mutually compatible and marry. One thought, if you have been together for more than a decade and are still if you want to get married, that is probably a sign that you do not!
Whatever the reasons for your question, whatever age you are, I pray that when the time is right you will meet the person that compliments you, that makes you the best you you can be, that is your helpmate, and for whom you can leave your parents and cleave to for life!
While there is no definitive guideline for dating, it seems clear that getting to know your possible partner-for-life is a very serious issue for us. It is incredible that we have no texts about the 'ex-girlfriend of Rabbi Ploni ben Ploini' or the 'I just want to be your friend' uttered to Rabbi So-and-So. For the writers and contributors of our textual tradition who usually speak copiously about many things, on their dating experiences, and any advice that can give us, they are silent. This, in and of itself, should tell us something.
Perhaps from their silence we can learn that getting to know a future partner and the secrets they share of each other and themselves ought to be something just between them. When we are dating and more comfortable with one another, we are more and more vulnerable and open to being hurt, disappointed, and so forth. We ought not to tell all our friends and family every detail of who we are dating and, if it doesn't work out for whatever reason, we ought to keep that secret, too. Dating can be a very scary thing and there is very little guidance universal answers. Simply put, there are no 'secrets' to effective dating.
But there is an interesting text about what kind of woman to avoid. Although the woman in the book of Proverbs is really intended to be an anthropomorphism of Wisdom, the writers of Proverbs used vivid images of the kind of woman one should stay away from. Of course, the same is true for the kind of man one should stay away from. Here is a sampling:
For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey: Her mouth is smoother than oil
But in the end she is as bitter as wormwhood, sharp as a two-edged sword (Pro 5:3-4)
A harlot is a deep pit; A forbidden woman is a narrow well.
She too lies in wait as if for prey. And destroys the unfaithful among men (Pro 23:27-28)
She sits in the doorway of her house, or on a chair at the heights of town,
Calling to the wayfarers, who go about their own affairs,
'Let the simple enter here,' and to those devoid of sense she says,
'Stolen waters are sweet and bread eaten in secret is tasty.' (Prov 9:14-17)
Clearly, the writers of Proverbs used the image of an indiscreet woman to illustrate their values regarding wisdom but it is significant that this was the image they utilized. It is easy to relate to and, in its own way, suggests to us the kind of partner we ought to seek. But it also gives us some guidance on dating as it suggests that there are certain people we ought to keep clear of and, if we find ourselves involved with such a person as time progresses, maybe it's time to get out of that relationship.
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