My daughter stopped speaking to me when I told her that she needed to start dieting and exercising . I feel that I followed the rule of treating others as I would like others to treat me. I'm very hurt by her actions. I refuse to apologize. Am I wrong?

There is a concept of “Hocheiach Tocheach et Amisecha” which requires us to chastise others when they are doing something against Jewish law. The tradition, however, says that since know one knows how to chastise properly, and almost no one accepts chastisement, one should only do so when one is certain that the receiver will take to heart and fulfill the admonition of the chastiser. In broader ethical terms it means we should be careful whom we chastise, lest we do more harm than good. Since there is a further concern for respect of one’s parents whose transgression is a serious offence, Jewish law places great admonitions on parents not to do something that will cause our children to transgress that commandment. I think the assumption is that since parents are older and have much more life experience, they are expected to act as models of tolerance and forgiveness for their children.

You are referencing Rabbi Hillel’s response, in that what is repugnant/painful to you, do not do to another. This can be expanded to include the manner in which the message is delivered, taking into consideration how the message is received. Body image is a major concern for the young. What you conceived as a loving and caring message of concern is obviously heard by your daughter as a personal attack and a not-so-subtle message of disappointment. This is not about you but about her. Your personalizing by being hurt does nothing for her self esteem. Apology is just for your benefit, not to ameliorate the situation. It does nothing for her other than cause greater distress. As parents, we should never insist our children apologize unless they truly feel an apology is valid. Shalom/peace requires both sides to talk and work out their individual feelings and concerns. Have you truly listened to your daughter or only evaluated her “condition”!