Shalom. How do you in Judaism 'Honor your Father and Mother' when you disagree, argue, debate, and disagree some more, and they don't respect you? Isn't it better to agree to disagree and stay distant, than to be in their presence and be disrespectful? Like David to Saul? Jeroboam to Solomon? [sic]
It is precisely BECAUSE there are inherent frictions in the interactions of parents and children (after a certain age) that the fifth of the ten sayings (ten commandments) is so explicit. “You shall honor your father and mother, that your days may be long upon the land that the Lord, your God has given you.” (Shemot/Ex. 20:12)
Nowhere is it obligatory that you like, or even love your parents, but you are commanded to honor them. That may mean listening to things you don’t want to hear, or doing (or refraining from) things you would prefer not to do; these are perhaps what you experience as a lack of respect towards you.
It is possible that you characterize it correctly as a lack of respect for you, but on the face of it, it is more probable that this is your emotional reaction to not liking what you are hearing or being asked to do, rather than a lack of respect or any inappropriate action on the part of your parents.
The respect (or honor) in Judaism is demanded not from parents to children, but in the other direction. Not to imply that parents can treat children with a lack of respect, or badly, but the standard is significantly different.
Given this, your actions when you ‘disagree, argue, debate, and disagree some more’ are a failure on your part to honor your parents. Equally, to avoid them, to distance yourself from them, to fail to visit, call, or spend time with them, to refuse to do as they ask, or to speak ill of them, is a failure on your part to honor them.
It sounds as if you need to re-evaluate your attitudes and behaviors, learn to control your emotional responses, and work on improving your relationship with your parents.
Good luck to you.
P.S. Your examples don't work. David was always respectful to Saul (who was not his parent, in fact, but his king), and we have no reason to think Jeroboam was not respectful to Solomon - he was just a terrible ruler and disrespectful to G-d.
Honoring one's parents is considered the hardest mitzvah. As much as one does, there is always more to be done. There is a fine line between honor and disrespect and it mostly involves using common sense. Technically, one is not allowed to argue with their parents, but that does not mean you have to agree with them. Things can get a bit complicated as adult children become caregivers to aging parents, but the respect and reverence due must always be considered.
Shalom. How do you in Judaism 'Honor your Father and Mother' when you disagree, argue, debate, and disagree some more, and they don't respect you? Isn't it better to agree to disagree and stay distant, than to be in their presence and be disrespectful? Like David to Saul? Jeroboam to Solomon? [sic]
Honoring our parents is a very important mitzvah (religious obligation) within Judaism. Its source is none other than the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:12). Jews consider it the pivotal fifth commandment, serving as a bridge between the first four, which are obligations we owe to God, and the last five, which are responsibilities toward our fellow human beings. Indeed, the rabbis compare the honor due our parents with the honor we owe God. “When a person honors his father and his mother, God says, ‘[It’s] as though they had honored Me.’ ” (B.Kiddushin 30b)
According to the Talmud, honoring parents means providing them with food and drink and clothing, and “leading them in and out.” In other words, we should provide our parents with all their physical needs, which becomes particularly important as they get older. And we should do this respectfully. There are stories in the Talmud about children who gave their parents rich food, but in a manner that was demeaning. Then there are other children who, though unable to provide very much, did what they could for their parents with kindness and good cheer. Needless to say, it is the latter who are extolled.
Honoring one’s parents can and should be undertaken even if you “disagree, argue, [and] debate” with your parents.
You don’t have to agree with your parents – and they don’t have to agree with you – for you to honor them. (Incidentally, there is a separate mitzvah, “revering one’s parents,” that provides guidance concerning how respectfully to disagree and argue with our parents.) If your parents don’t respect you, it may not be easy to behave respectfully toward them, but unless they are doing considering more (and considerably worse) than disagreeing with you, the duty to “honor” them appears to remain.
It is certainly better to agree to disagree with your parents than to be disagreeable. If that distances you from your parents, that is unfortunate, but it is preferable to being disrespectful.
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