What are the Jewish rulings on cybersex (defined as two people exchanging sexual messages over the internet, often in chatrooms) and pornography, for men and for women?

The internet has had an incredible effect on nearly all segments of our society.  We can communicate and share information in ways unimaginable just a generation ago.  As soon as I post this answer, it will go up on Facebook, Twitter and the JVO website.  While these advances are a cause for celebration, they also introduce complicated new questions of ethics that lead to queries like yours.  I am increasingly concerned about the false feeling of interaction created online.  Just like 3 hrs of playing basketball video games can’t compare with being outside on the court.  Hours of online interaction with “friends” can’t compare with being in their presence.  Add to that the sexual element of the internet and we get to cybersex. Your question is complicated in that different scenarios raise different issues.  I would like to explore a few of them.

 

We need to ask is who is having the cybersex?  If we are speaking of a single person, who is looking for sexual interactions there are a number of issues that come into play.  The Jewish values that come most immediately to mind are Tsniut or modesty and then treating others in a way that reflects that they were created b’tzelem elohim or in God’s image.  The explicit nature of sex with a stranger online suggests questionable modesty, in that we are revealing the private in a public forum.  I say public because as we have seen again and again one cannot assume any privacy online.  We cannot assume people are who they say they are, that they are alone, or that your interactions are not being recorded for future broadcast (this is scary even without the Jewish questions).  As for treating others like they were made in God’s image, it would seem to me that using someone anonymous online for your own gratification is the diminishing of that image.  

 

If we are speaking of a married person and the partner in cybersex is not their life partner, than we also enter into issues of infidelity.  This is clearly prohibited in the Jewish tradition.  In a similar question on this website, my good friend Rabbi David Schuck set up a good standard to measure by. Rabbi Schuck suggests you ask yourself “Would I tell my partner?”  If the answer is no, you can be pretty sure you are on the wrong path. 

 

If we are dealing with partners in a committed relationship who are engaging in cybersex consensually, I suppose it could be permissible.  The one word of caution I would insert, is that while technology has the power to increase intimacy, such as in cases of extended separation as in military or business travel situations, it also has the power to diminish intimacy with those closest to us.  How many of us have received e-mails from someone who could have easily walked across the hall to tell us the same thing?  If you start to find that your online love life with your partner is more satisfying than your real one, there are likely serious issues to address.

 

Finally, when I was a Hillel rabbi, I always told students that even if they were to ignore every single Jewish teaching I shared with them about sex, there was one thing that is non-negotiable and that is safety.  With that in mind, even though I would discourage cybersex for all of the reasons above, I feel compelled to say that if engaging in cybersex would keep you from far riskier or life threatening  sexual behavior in the real world, then do what you need to do.  Even though it is problematic from a religious perspective it is preferable to contracting a life threatening disease, or being the subject of violence.  I pray though, that you will seek help and safer places to meet your needs.

 

As for pornography, it seems to be worthy of its own question.  I would only say  that it seems to me, in most if not all cases, to be exploitive and fails both the standards of Tsniut and Betzelm Elohim.