In reading your question, I sense that you are conflicted between various values that you find to be important, for example, spirituality and a sense of personal fulfillment.  As you note, they can often be in competition with each other, particularly when money becomes part of the equation.  Given the business in which you find yourself, money seems to be the essential goal, not only for your clients but for yourself as well and that is the source of much of what is troubling you.

The key here, I believe, is to ask yourself about the ultimate goal for which you are making the money.  Yes, you are striving for more success and abundance but is that the true goal of your life?  Is it merely to accumulate more and more in your bank account, believe that if you do so, you will then feel that this is the true measure of your success?  If you are truly desirous of a balanced and spiritual life, I would say that you need to rethink this goal because it can only lead to unhappiness and futility for there is no end of making money, only a sense that you need and want more and more.  There can be no ultimate satisfaction with this as your only goal.  What is enough money?  When have you succeeded?  The means will soon become the end, leading to a very short sighted feeling of fulfillment.

However, if your desire to accumulate money as a means by which you can help others that is different.  In Judaism we believe in setting aside a portion of our income for tithing to give tzedakah, then you are thinking not about the money and success as a goal unto itself, but truly as a means to an end.  There are many who have chosen various tzedakah organizations (or created their own) to promote causes that are truly significant in their lives and in the lives of others.  What is your passion?  What speaks to you in your soul?  Is it Israel?  Jewish education?  Social service organizations here or in Israel?  Children or older adults?  The poor or the hungry?  Every morning we read in the prayer book prior to the formal start of our prayers, “these are the things whose fruit we eat in this world but whose full reward awaits us in the world to come:  “honoring parents, acts of kindness, arriving early at the house of study morning and evening; hospitality to strangers; visiting the sick; helping the need bride; attending to the dead; devotion in prayer; and bring peace between people.” (Talmud Shabbat 127a)  These are examples of eternal values, ones which move beyond our limited selves to the world at large, to show us that we can make a difference in the world in which we have been placed. 

In Psalm 49, the psalm usually recited in a house of mourning, the end of one's life is laid out quite clearly.  The accumulation of wealth ultimately accounts for little in the scheme of things.  It doesn't matter if you have gathered much or little, if you are a simpleton or a person who has risen to a great position - the end is the same.  It's quite sobering to read the Psalmist’s words “For all can see that wise men die, that the foolish and senseless all perish and leave their wealth to others…..But man, despite his splendor, does not endure; he is like the beast that perish.”  However, I have always believed that we can live on in the deeds we have done in life, the acts of selflessness and righteousness that help to perpetuate the values that are truly important, they continue to last even after we are no longer here in this world.

To bring together the values of wealth, success and spirituality, you must do some deep soul searching.  God has tried to lead us in a direction that speaks to the true meaning of life.  I believe that if you can begin to travel down this path, you will help to create within yourself and others a life that has true significance and meaning.

Your question is a very serious one but is only the 'tip of the iceberg'.  As wonderful as technology is, it also creates many unexpected problems at the same time.  So before I speak to your immdiate concern, there is another which also must be raised.  Namely, are these conversations or ones like them (e.g., text messages, or e-mails, chats) considered to be private and privileged?  Or, even if they intended only for the recipient, can they be thought of as in the public domain, even if they were addressed to a specific person? 

Though you discovered them accidentally, they were not meant for you.  On the other hand, from the situation you describe, it seems they were in a place that was accessible to others.  For example, you share a family computer and this program is also found on it.  While you were working on this computer, you accidentally clicked on the program and saw these conversations.  I would certainly consider them, in this case, to be in the public domain.

There is an analogy in Judaism that perhaps might be of help.  There are what are known as public (reshut harabim) and private (reshut hayachid) domains which are important regarding carrying and other activities on Shabbat.  Public areas are those that are non-residential, for example, streets, open areas and highways.  A private domain would be a home.  On Shabbat, carrying and other activities are considered to be prohibited in the public domain.  However, within the home itself, these activities can take place inside since it is a structure that has its own integrity.  In the situation you raised, the computer is open to everyone in the house.  There is not a password to Skype only to a specific user or perhaps it was left open for anyone to see.  Again, you discovered these in an open, straight forward way, by accident and not by subterfuge.

Regarding what you found in those messages, it would be important to confront him with this information.  Though these are only words and not physical actions, nevertheless, they are a breach of the bonds which the two of you entered into when you chose to become husband and wife.  In Judaism, the act of marriage is called, "kiddushin", from the word "kadosh", holy.  But what does the word "kadosh" actually mean?  It means, separate, apart, or unique and in this case, it is telling us that the relationship between these two people is unique.  What takes place within those bonds does not extend beyond them to others and what he has done certainly seems to have breached the 'kedushah' the holiness of one's marriage between the two of you.

There is also another concept in Judaism which he appears to have transgressed, 'geneivat da'at', literally the stealing of one's mind.  This refers to giving a false or misleading impression to another person.  For example, this often happens in advertising when someone tries to sell an item to someone under false pretenses.  Another example, mentioned in the Talmud (B. Chullin 94a) is inviting someone to your home knowing that they are unable to accept but you want to create a positive, although not honest, impression in their minds.

Again, in the case you are describing, your husband has not been honest with you in terms of your relationship with him.  He has created a false impression in your mind that he is faithful to you, though it appears not by his words.  In this case, words are not to be taken lightly and have important ramifications.  The emotional component of one's marriage is just as significant as the physical in many cases.

Perhaps, when confronted, your husband might become contrite for what he has done but you can never restore confidence in him and your marraige unless you do so.

The opportunity to adopt a child is very praiseworthy and should be encouraged in the Jewish community.  When a Jewish couple adopts, the child is not automatically considered to be Jewish.  

There are a series of rituals which the child must undergo in order to become Jewish so just as there is a procedure for adopting a child within the civil law, so is there one within Jewish law.  Of course, your rabbi will be happy to walk through all the steps to make this happen.

The manner in which one becomes Jewish is the same for adopting a child as it is when one converts.  For example, a female would be immersed in the mikvah, a male (if he had not been circumcised) would need to have the circumcision performed and followed by mikvah.  If it had been done previously, then a ‘hatafat dam’ (a symbolic circumcision) would take place followed by the mikvah.  Two differences come to mind between the conversion of a minor and that of an adult:  one is that a minor does not to come before a bet din (the Rabbinic court of three) in order to attest to his or her knowledge and the other is that once a child becomes a Jewish adult he or she can change his or her mind about remaining Jewish since this was done for the child’s benefit but without their full consent as an adult.  However, the assumption is that the child will not object given the home in which the child has been raised.

An interesting question that arises at this time concerns the naming of the adopted child.  Should the child be given the Hebrew name as “ben Avraham Avinu”, the son of Abraham our father as happens for converts?  Interestingly enough, we read in the Talmud (Sanhedrin 19b) "Her sister Merab gave birth to them and she raised them, therefore they are called by her name. This teaches that whoever brings up an orphan in his home is regarded, according to Scripture, as though the child had been born to him."   For this reason, the parents can choose the child’s Hebrew name and will be given their Hebrew names as if they were the child’s biological parents.  It also speaks to the fact that in Judaism, adopting a child is considered as if one had given birth to the child.

To summarize, it is important that the adoptive child go through the appropriate ritual process so that the child may be considered to be fully a part of the Jewish community.  Whether by birth or by adoption, the addition of a child to a family is certainly cause for celebration for the family and the entire Jewish community.

Rabbi David Seed – JVO response

Your question is a challenging one that speaks to an important issue in Judaism and Jewish life, namely, the role of minhag (custom).  Though naming customs are just that, customs that have developed over time, they do reflect very strong traditions within Judaism.  I am sure that you are aware of the two main minhagim; that of Sefardic Jews who name after living relatives as a sign of honor and Ashkenazic Jews who perpetuate the memory of those who have passed away.

            Though it would not be ‘wrong’ to name your daughter after your grandmother, these customs have been used for centuries and help to maintain certain Jewish values which are of great importance.  Yes, it is ironic, to say the least, that these two traditions are exactly the opposite of each other, one naming for those who are living and the other for those who have are no longer here.  Nevertheless, they do speak to important dimensions of Jewish life.

            You mentioned that your in-laws are unsure about following the Sefardic tradition and though this is ultimately not their decision, I would not want there to be a rift between you and them, especially on such a happy occasion.  At the same time, you don’t mention how your grandmother feels about this.  To my mind, this is an even more important factor in your decision.  Is it something that might offend her or would she consider it an honor?

            If I might offer a suggestion that could perhaps help to maintain the integrity of the Ashkenazic tradition while honoring your grandmother in some way, perhaps you could choose a Hebrew name that expresses an inner quality of hers that you wish to honor; for example, ‘Yafa’ which means beautiful, ‘Ahuva’, love, or ‘Tovah’, good.   There are many Hebrew naming books which can assist you and I would certainly enlist your rabbi in giving you other suggestions.  Whatever you decide, you certainly have your heart in the right place and most importantly, I wish you ‘b’sha’ah tovah’ (everything should take place at an appropriate time), that you and your child to be should be healthy and well.

This is a fascinating question on many levels and certainly a challenging one.  If I had the opportunity to dialogue with you personally, I might ask you the following.  For example, if you consider yourself to be an Orthodox Jew, what is your relationship to Halacha (the system of Jewish law) and to the mitzvot, the obligations that stem from it?

Though it is often difficult to observe all the commandments, at the very least it is a goal by which we should strive to live our lives.  In Conservative Judaism we often speak of the ladder of mitzvot, the idea that we constantly strive to do more and be more through the fulfillment of the commandments.  By expressing yourself as living as an Orthodox Jew, I would be interested to know how you respond to this very fundamental aspect of Judaism.

This idea comes to the forefront when we speak of the mitzvah of procreation.  Having children is a fundamental mitzvah, a basic building block of the Jewish family and community.  We read in Beresheet (Genesis) 1:27-28, “And God created man in His image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.  God blessed them and God said to them, “Be fertile and increase, fill the earth and master it; and rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sea, and all the living things that creep on earth.”  There are 613 commandments found in the Torah, the first being the mitzvah of procreation.

How do you respond to this obligation, particularly as an Orthodox Jew?  Not only is it mentioned in the Torah, but throughout rabbinic literature do we find this mitzvah elaborated upon.  In addition, there are commentators who state that this mitzvah refers to men, not women.  Yet, even in that case, fertility is an obligation of the couple.

Before I continue, I wish to state that we are not speaking of a situation where one is infertile.  There is great pain involved in these circumstances as we read on Rosh Hashanah when we are reminded both of Sarah’s infertility and that of Hannah.  To learn more about this issue from a Jewish perspective, I highly recommended the book “And Hannah Wept” by Rabbi Michael Gold (Jewish Publication Society).

Your remark “I find children annoying” is quite troubling to me.  If you were unable to have children I would understand and give you counsel and comfort as to how to move forward with your partner.  But that is not the case.  You speak of children in terms of how they impinge on your lifestyle, the burden they would place on you.  And that is very true.  We find the phrase in Jewish literature, “tzaar gidel banim”, the pain of raising children.  It is not an easy task and can seem overwhelming at times.  Yet the blessings in bringing children into the world can give one so much joy and help to put into perspective our own place in the world.  At the same time, given a commitment to Judaism and Jewish life, we place great importance and ensuring that there will be a future for us and our people.

However, if you still feel strongly that you do not want children for whatever reason and in spite of the centrality it has in Jewish life, you are obligated to tell whomever you might date.  Marriage is often a difficult endeavor but to enter into a relationship without being open and honest is certainly a recipe for disaster.  Trust and truthfulness must be primary throughout the dating process and though the subject may not come up at an initial date, it cannot be overlooked as two people get to know each other.

The global financial crisis has made itself felt in almost every corner of the world.  And though it seems to be coming to a conclusion, we have by no means seen the end.  So many people have been affected and they are feeling the pressure in different ways.  We are faced with choices with which we thought we would never be confronted.

One of them naturally affects our own personal giving.  We have contributed generously to others in the past.  While always being judicious in where and how much we give, now we have to be much more so.  Thus the question we’re being asked, “Am I still required to give tzedakah when I’m having tough times of my own?”

To answer this question, we need go no further than the texts of our tradition.  Unfortunately, our ancestors were all too familiar with periods of serious economic hardship and their responses can help guide us during our own challenging times.  For example, “One who gives even a perutah (the smallest coin of that time) to the poor, is privileged to sense God’s presence.”  (Talmud, Baba Batra 10a).  And we also learn, “Even a poor person who receives tzedakah must give from what he or she receives.”  (Talmud, Gittin 7b).

Though we may not be able to give to the same extent we had done previously, we are obligated to give something.  And why?  There are always others in need and regardless of how much we might be hurting, we must never forget those who are suffering even more.  To do so also requires an honest evaluation of our finances.  For example, do we really need that extra cup of coffee, must we see the movie that just came out, how badly do we need that item of clothing we saw in the store?  Only when we have weighed our finances against the needs of others can we determine an amount that we can honestly give to others.

The word tzedakah comes from the Hebrew tzedek which means righteousness, an obligation to be of help to others in spite of the financial challenges we are facing.  For that reason, we must never think of ourselves as being in such dire straights that we can’t be of help to others, even in the most modest of ways.  And in making a connection to those in need, we are asserting the belief that God’s spirit resides in all human beings regardless of their finances.  We are all God’s creations in spite of the circumstances in which we find ourselves.  It’s a valuable lesson we should never forget.