Question: What do you do when your job requires you to promote non-Jewish holidays such as Christmas or Valentines day? Should you sell things that promote these holidays? If say you work for the media should you write on the topic if your boss asks you to?
There is nothing in Jewish Law that should prevent you from promoting non-Jewish holidays so long as you are not promoting them to Jews specifically. A purpose of Judaism is to bring the world to the God of Abraham and so long as there is nothing inconsistent with this role, it is perfectly fine engage with Christians and Muslims (and people of other faiths) and their holidays.
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Question: Is it ok to think about another woman while having sex with my wife? Thank you.
You ask is it "OK." I can only respond that I don't believe that Jewish law would consider this a sin per se. Judaism focuses on permitted and forbidden actions rather than thoughts. Of course one of the 10 Commandments forbids "coveting" and to the extent that such thoughs represent specific coveting rather than generalized fantasy, that would be problematic. Also problematic would be if such thoughts led to specific actions that would distance you from your wife and/or hurt your relationship.
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Question: I sing in a choir and we sometimes have performances in churches. People who don't know me assume then that I am Christian (without me doing anything obviously Christian). Do I need to correct their mistake and tell them that I am Jewish?
In my opinion, this is not a question of need or obligation. I do believe that it is an important opportunity, however, to increase interfaith understanding and peace among Jews and Christians. If appropriate in the context of your interaction, I think it would be valuable to share you Jewish background and why performing in a church is not a problem for you. This might be answered by a simple acknowledgement or by more questions and discussions that can only help understanding. Of course if the occasion is simply a “Merry Christmas” or something similar, there is no obligation to correct or respond with anything beyond “you too!”
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Question: I want to be cremated,but my sister is very upset with my decision as she thinks if one is cremated one loses one's soul whereas if one is buried she says we'd be united again in heaven. She is Orthodox and I am a Reform Jew. Does she have any validity according to Jewish law?
While it is certainly true that both Orthodox and Conservative traditions forbid cremation as a proper method of interment, I have never heard it said that if one is cremated, one loses one’s soul. Judaism has many different and inconsistent beliefs concerning the afterlife and the soul (an excellent compilation of these is presented in Jewish Views of the Afterlife by Simcha Paull Raphael (Jason Aronson, 1994 – 474 pages), but, to my knowledge there is no Jewish law on what one must believe.
When confronted with such questions as to what happens to us and our souls in the next world, my response is always “God knows.” I certainly don’t know.
It is instructive that (in the words of a Reform Rabbis responsum on the subject – www.http://ccarnet.org/responsa/nyp-no-5766-2/) “there is no clear and obvious prohibition against cremation in the sources of Jewish law and that “the Orthodox agitation against cremation actually began about a century ago” in response to the growing movement toward cremation in Western societies. … There is no explicit requirement in the Biblical text that the dead be buried rather than cremated. The sources make clear that burial was the normative practice in ancient Israel, but nowhere do we find an express prohibition of the burning of the corpse.”
In my opinion, there are really four issues at work regarding the Jewish attitude towards cremation. 1. Does cremation violate the biblical requirement (Deut. 21:23) to bury the dead? 2. Does cremation violate the requirement that we treat the dead with respect? Does cremation constitute an act of heresy in denying the concept of physical resurrection of the dead with the coming of the Messiah? 4. Is cremation especially problematic in light of the Holocaust? I will address each.
1 & 2. So long as the cremation and disposal of the remains is dignified, I do not believe the spirit of the requirement to bury the deceased and treat the remains with dignity is violated. One could question whether keeping the remains in an urn on the mantle would meet the requirement, however.
3. Reform Judaism has moved away from the literal belief in physical resurrection so this is much less of an issue for us. It also seems inconsistent to believe that the Holy One, having power to bring the long decomposed dead back to life would not be able to do so due to cremation. I am trained as a physicist and note that cremation and natural decomposition are really the same process, oxidation of the organic hydrocarbon remains – they just operate on different timeframes.
4. While I respect the sensitivities of those offended by cremation in light of the mass cremation of Jews and others by the Nazis, I am not convinced that the two processes are the same. Forced, mass cremation after mass murder is very different than following the wishes of one who elects this option. Furthermore, I have met families of Holocaust survivors who have elected to be cremated as a statement of solidarity with the fate of their relatives.
Judaism’s focus is on this world and I pray that your loving relationship with your sister and family will not be hurt by your beliefs about the next world.
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Question: I received a request for forgiveness in the spirit of Yom Kippur. I am not familiar with this process, as it is from someone who is new to the faith. My question is, does the person asking for forgiveness have to specify what the wrongs are? This person did not specify, just asked generally. I feel that I need to know what they felt they did wrong, otherwise how do they know what I'm forgiving them for? Specifically, I do not believe that some of the wrongs are understood. If I offer forgiveness in my heart, I don't see how that can resolve an issue if it's not understood fully.
This Mishnah teaches (Yoma 9:8) that Yom Kippur effects atonement for sins of a person against another person only if the offender has “appeased his fellow.” This is understood as requiring one to undo the impact of the offence (by restoring damaged property for example) and by asking for and receiving forgiveness for the offence.
I believe that a blanket request such as “if there’s anything I’ve done in the past year to offend you, please forgive me,” falls short of the spirit of this tradition. For you to genuinely forgive someone, you should understand the offence and believe that the person is specifically asking forgiveness from this offence. Significantly, Jewish tradition requires you to offer forgiveness if it is sincerely requested.
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Question: Hello Rabbis,
I am a Gentile trying to convert to Judaism, but I am also disabled and dependent upon my immediate family for my food, shelter, etc. I am afraid that if I tell my family about my intended conversion, they will stop all support of me at an instant and I would be helpless in terms of money, shelter, and the like. Telling family about conversion is intimidating enough under normal circumstances, but in addition to that I am afraid for my material well-being should I tell them. I know G-d will provide in all things, but I sometimes wonder if I am meant to stay a Gentile in order to make sure I am provided for. I sincerely believe in the Tanakh and G-d's oneness, and want to live a Jewish life, but I have no idea how to do so without endangering my well-being. Any advice would be helpful.
I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a predicament. There is really not enough information in this brief paragraph for me to provide you with meaningful advice. I would want to know more about your disability and relationship with your family as well as some of the specific reasons that you are so interested in converting to Judaism. My best advice to you would be to get in touch with a local rabbi who can counsel you as to your specific situation as well as explain to you what would be required for you to take the steps necessary for conversion. Typically this would include as much as a year of study, reading, discussions with your rabbi, etc.
In order to contact a Reform rabbi, I suggest that you explore the website for the Union for Reform Judaism (URJ) at www.urj.org. I am certain that you will be able to find a rabbi who can better help you explore your Jewish spiritual path.
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Question: What does Judaism say about marital nudity?
Some married couples NEVER see each other naked (it is said)..
This one’s easy. I am unaware of any law, tradition, or opinion in Reform Judaism that would restrict or regulate marital nudity.
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Question: I am interested in converting to Judaism. While I currently have no friends or family who are Jewish, I have been doing quite a bit of personal study, while praying to G-d for discernment on the matter, and feel deeply that this is the right choice for myself and my family. My husband is very supportive and has agreed for our family to live a Jewish lifestyle, he would like to learn more before making the decision to convert himself. I have two questions. First, is it possible for myself and our son (he is 4) to convert, with my husband's blessing, if my husband does not choose to as well? Second, there are only 2 synagogues in my area, both of which are at least a 40 minute drive from our home. One is conservative, the other reform. The nearest orthodox synagogue is about 2 hours away. Is it possible to receive our instructing of Judaism in a conservative synagogue, but the actual conversion (mikvah and so forth) in the orthodox one due to proximity reasons? I hope that makes sense.
I begin my advice with a quote from the Mishna (Pirke Avot 1:6): “Joshua ben Perachyah said, “Get yourself a teacher (and) find someone to study with…” The process of conversion involves first finding yourself a rabbi who will serve as your sponsor and mentor. He or she will guide you through the process and help you determine the answers to your other questions.
A conversion that creates an interfaith marriage and family will be an issue for many rabbis and you will need to explore your reasons for doing so with your rabbi. The possibility of receiving instruction in a Conservative setting and then immersion in an Orthodox one is something that your rabbi will be able to explore with his or her Orthodox colleagues.
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Question: This question is based on a question posed to the "Ethicist" column in the "New York Times Sunday Magazine."
My colleague at work spends most of his time posting to the website, Reddit. He could be posting information about his boss or work environment that could jeopardize his employment. In any case, I believe he is too immature and ill suited for our profession. Do I have an obligation to tell him that this behavior could hurt his career?
Jewish tradition requires one to rebuke one’s fellow if that person is committing a transgression. Leviticus 19:17 (at the very center of the Holiness Code) admonishes (in Everett Fox’s wonderfully literal translation) “…rebuke, yes, rebuke your fellow, that you not bear sin because of him.”
Maimonides, in his Mishne Torah, “Laws Concerning Moral Dispositions and Ethical Conduct, chapter 6, section 7) expands upon this saying “A person who rebukes another, whether for offenses against the rebuke himself or for sins against God, should administer the rebuke in private, speak to the offender gently and tenderly, and point out that he is speaking only for the wrongdoers own good… If the wrongdoer accepts the rebuke, well and good. If not, he should be rebuked a second and a third time. And so one is bound to continue the admonition till the sinner assaults the admonisher and says to him, ‘I refuse to listen.’”
I believe that these provisions would apply in that the questioner’s colleague seems to be misspending his time at work – in effect, stealing his wages from his employer. Moreover, the postings seem to be in the category of Lashon HaRah – gossip or forbidden speech. I believe the obligation to speak to him arises from these transgressions rather than an obligation to provide career advice.
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Question: Are the obsessions with money, celebrities and athletes, and maybe even Ivy League education, a form of modern day idol worship? My understanding of idol worship is when human creations or people themselves replace G-d and/or are worshiped as a god, this is idol worship. How do rabbis view idols in the modern sense? What does it mean to avoid worshiping idols?
Are the obsessions with money, celebrities and athletes, and maybe even Ivy League education, a form of modern day idol worship? My understanding of idol worship is when human creations or people themselves replace G-d and/or are worshiped as a god, this is idol worship. How do rabbis view idols in the modern sense? What does it mean to avoid worshiping idols?
I do indeed believe that money, possessions, status, celebrities, athletes and the like are today’s idols. The idols in biblical times were the things that we made with our own hands. This is the lesson that the first monotheist Abraham teaches his fathers in the well-known midrash wherein he smashes the idols in his father’s shop (Genesis Rabbah 38:13).
If an alien came down to this planet and observed our culture, what would he/she/it conclude we worship. I can just imagine the report back to base. “The Earthling spends hours before the television god in silent rapture. The Earthling is almost constantly connected to his small idols by two wires joining his brain through the ears. He seems in a constant hypnotic trance while connected. The Earthling has a strange rite conducted in nature wherein he dresses strangely and chases the small ball god around acres and acres of land alternative hitting and caressing the oddly dimpled ball god in its journey from its small pedestal to its temporary burial ground in a small hole. The journey is often accompanied by a litany of both prayer and curses…”
If you find yourself caring more for the things made with human hands than for our fellow humans, this is indeed idol worship. If your focus is on stars (isn’t the TV show called “American Idol”) rather than the architect of the heavens and earth, this is indeed idolatry. How many more people know Phil Robertson whose claim to fame is calling ducks and insulting minorities on television than Norman Borlaug, an American biologist and humanitarian whose work resulted in the literal saving of more than a billion lives?
That’s at least the view of this rabbi, who, in his spare time has been known to chase that small golf ball around, but pausing from time to time to say the traditional blessing of awe and thanks for the beauty of God’s creation.
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Question: If a bad practice (sin) has become part of our personality, how can we stand before Hashem to ask for forgiveness knowing that it is probably unrealistic for us to change our ways?
Bad practice (sin) is part of everyone’s personality. Judaism teaches that we have two tendencies within us; a yetzer tov (inclination to do good) and a yetzer ha-rah (the inclination to do bad or towards selfishness). We understand that these two are at war with one another and we strive to do more of the first and less of the second.
Not doing bad is simple but not easy. Eating right and exercise is a good example. We know what to do and how to do it. Simple, yes? Ahh, but the actual doing is the trick. Not easy at all. So too with changing those parts of our personality and character that we know we should change. We strive, with the help of our best intentions, friends, family and Hashem to change knowing that it is not easy.
In moments like this, I ask Hashem for forgiveness for my sins and for the strength and resolve to change my ways. I understand that God is both just and merciful and will judge me as to the balance of my sins and merits. We Jews don’t believe in a “state of sin,” only in individual actions that are measured against our good deeds.
We are human and we can change. The Israelites leaving Egypt did not take 40 years to reach the Promised Land – they only took two years. But because of their lack of confidence in God and in themselves – because they only listened to the negative report of the spies (see Numbers 13 & 14) – because they couldn’t or wouldn’t change their personalities, they were condemned to spend their entire lives at the edge of their promised land.
Hashem begs us to have the faith, courage and confidence to make the changes in our lives to take the steps to go to that promised land where we live as our best selves. May the Holy One strengthen us in this simple but difficult journey.
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Question: What role may a Christian stepfather play in or during the ceremony celebrating a Bar Mitzvah?
[Administrator's note: A somewhat related question regarding names is found at: http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=152]
What role may a Christian stepfather play in or during the ceremony celebrating a Bar Mitzvah?
In Reform synagogues, this is entirely a matter of minhag hamakom or local custom. The policy may be set by the Rabbi, by a Religious Practices Committee or even by the Board itself.
My own practice, which is at the liberal end of the spectrum, is to allow the Christian stepfather to participate in any and all activities during the Bar Mitzvah service including passing the Torah down from generation to generation and being called up to the Torah scroll during the alliyot. I do ask that any non-Jew that accompanies a Jew when called to the Torah not say the blessings that are said before and after the Torah reading. This is due to the fact that the blessing before reading includes the words “…Who has chosen us from all peoples…” which is particularistic to Jews.
My approach is influenced by my desire to recognize non-Jewish parents and/or stepparents as full members of the family and not to embarrass them because of their status. Moreover, I am very aware that it is often the non-Jewish parent who has played a major role in facilitating the education of the child and therefore has truly supported that handing down of Torah to this generation.
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Question: If a first child (daughter) of a father is born out of wedlock (my father married my mother after I was born, put his name on the birth certificate, but divorced her 6 months later) what laws and rules should I obey and how am I viewed in Jewish law? [Administrator's note: for answers on JVO regarding illegitimacy and the term mamzer vs bastardy, see http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=27 and http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=93.]
Quite simply, child born out of wedlock has no different Jewish status than a child born within wedlock. There are no different “rules to obey” or differences in how you are viewed in Jewish Law.
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Question: Can a non-Jewish female, who had a Jewish father and who has wholeheartedly embraced Judaism at the age of 50, legally become a prominent member of importance in a national and international Jewish women's organisation? Also can this person be a member of an Orthodox synagogue?
The answer to the question will depend on the by-laws and rules and regulations of the organization and Synagogue in question. As a point of information, I know of several Reform Synagogues that allow non-Jews to be members but this must be answered on a case by case basis.
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Question: How big is the actual probability today that rice or beans contain traces of actual chametz? Is this really a concern? What do the various movements say about this concern, and about kitniyot in general?
I have no way of calculating the probability of chametz appearing in rice and beans today but it is important to understand the Reform Jewish approach to kitniyot. This question is discussed in detail in the responsum, “Pesach Kashrut and Reform Judaism (5756.9),” published in Reform Responsa for the 21st Century, Mark Washofsky, editor (CCAR Press, 2010). The following discussion is summarized, almost verbatim, from that responsum.
The eating of kitniyot is not forbidden by Biblical or Talmudic law. The latter only forbids the use of rice and legumes for the baking of matzah (BT P’sachim 35a). The Ashkenazic custom of forbidding rice and legumes is first mentioned in the 13th century by two French authorities saying that “our teachers observe the custom” of not eating kitniyot but also noting that this custom is not universally accepted and that the “great sages” disregard it. The early Reformers of our movement abolished the restriction all together and today, Reform practice, following the standard of the Talmud, permits the eating of rice and legumes. The responsum notes in the same spirit as our questioner, “that the likelihood that our people will confuse legume dishes with chametz dishes is too remote to be taken into serious consideration.”
Of course nothing in this responsum forbids Reform Jews from following the traditional prohibition as a matter of choice.
An interesting supplement to this discussion involves the famous Maxwell House Hagaddah. The Hagaddah, first published in 1923 and said by its publisher to be the most widely used version in the world, was produced in order to refute the concern by many that coffee beans were, in fact beans and therefore kitniyot and therefore not permitted on Pesach. The coffee bean is, in fact, a berry and not a legume and is therefore kosher for Pesach for all.
Rabbi Michael Lotker
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Question: I am an Orthodox Jew and all in my family are Orthodox too. Recently the man I am dating told me that whilst his father is Jewish, his maternal grandmother converted to Judaism through the Liberal Movement, which technically means he is not Jewish according to Orthodox halachah. He attended a Jewish elementary school, works for a Reform Synagogue and considers himself to be Jewish. Indeed, he has a stronger Jewish identity than many people I know who are halachically Jewish! I know that if we were to get married our children would technically be Jewish, through me, but I still have concerns such as: Would we be able to have an Orthodox Jewish wedding? Would my Synagogue call him up/give him a aliyah (honor of being called to the Torah) were he to visit one Shabbat? Would he be counted in a Minyan (quorum for prayer), etc? Are there any other practical implications I haven't thought of that I need to consider? This is a very difficult subject for him as he is quite sensitive about not being recognised as Jewish by other Jews.
I am sure that my Orthodox colleague will fully respond to the specific questions asked and so I only have a few points to add. His recognition as a Jew by other non-Orthodox movements (other than Reform, that is) might depend on the ritual that his grandmother went through. Specifically, did it include a Beit Din (Jewish Court) and immersion in a Mikveh. Also, you should know that your husband would be eligible for Israeli citizenship under the Law of Return but, under the current Orthodox rules, would not be considered a Jew in Israel once he got there.
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Question: Is a husband obligated to provide for his wife?
My husband and I have been married for one year. We are both in our sixties. I agreed to sign a prenup because my husband (who is financially quite comfortable) wanted to protect his estate for his son.
I have worked all my life and have always taken care of myself. I earn about half of what my husband does and never inherited any family money. The bottom line is that the prenup became very contentious and I saw the final version at the signing - 48 hours before our wedding. Our guests had already begun arriving. I walked out of the signing and spoke with my attorney who advised that this document was the "best he could do given that my husband started on the process two weeks before our wedding." Against my better judgement, I signed it. Within the first three months of our marriage I wanted it changed. We went to a therapist and he agreed to make changes. There have been continuous fights and multiple promises from him (lies) to make changes.To date, nothing has been done. My fear is that if something happens to him I will not be able to afford to live in the apartment that we presently share. My husband owns the apartment, our prenup stipulated that I pay him rent. EVERYTHING he has goes to his son. I secretly discovered his will- which he refuses to discuss with me. In order to be in compliance with state law he is obligated to leave me something. He is leaving me 2% of his estate and a minimum monthly allowance (administered by his son whom I don't care for) toward the apartment upkeep. Prior to our marriage I was an independent self-supporting woman had an apartment which I could easily afford, lived quite comfortably, and was not dependent on anyone. I gave away most of my furniture, have lost my apartment, and if something happens to my husband will be dependent on the generosity of his son. Even more shocking is that in his will it states, " If I am unable to keep up with the monthly maintenance for the apartment, the estate has the right to evict me in 90 days." My husband and I dated for 5 years prior to our marriage.I lived with him for two of those years although I always kept my own apartment. I saw him as generous of both his time and money to charity, overly generous towards his son, and as a well-liked and respected member of the community both professionally and socially. Until the prenup, I never experienced this side of him or had any indication that he would behave like this. Is this a moral and ethical way to treat one's wife ? What can I do?
I have had the benefit of reviewing my colleagues’ responses to this inquiry. Like them, I feel the pain and conflict behind this question. Like them, I hope that marriage counseling can help these two individuals work out the serious differences between them. Like them, I am cautious in providing advice and conclusions based on only hearing one side of this situation. Their analysis of Jewish Law (Halacha) on this matter is scholarly and complete and I do not have anything to add in this regard.
I would, however, offer the following observations. I would ask whether a traditional Ketubah was used in connection with the marriage or whether a more modern version was used. In either case, it would be worth examining the language of the document to see whether specific obligations of support were made and to what extent they support or conflict with the pre-nuptial agreement.
Most importantly, I would hope that this couple addresses the critical issue of trust and partnership that is so much at the center of a Jewish marriage. In my view, the ethics of an open and loving relationship require that each partner care for the long term wellbeing of one another. If the facts are indeed as presented, it would seem that the very basis and viability of the marriage is in question.
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Question: If a Jewish person who lays Tefillin develops dementia and begins to forget things is it okay for someone to help that person with the correct procedure and prayers for putting it on?
If a Jewish person who lays Tefillin develops dementia and begins to forget things is it okay for someone to help that person with the correct procedure and prayers for putting it on?
I don’t know if there are any specific halachic (Jewish legal) issues relating to helping someone perform this mitzvah if they cannot do it without such assistance. I am sure that my Orthodox and Conservative colleagues will address them as they might apply. From my Reform perspective, they fade in importance compared to the mitzvah of “v’ahavta l’rayecah cahmocha” (“love your fellow as yourself” Leviticus 19:18).
In trying to summarize Reform Judaism’s approach to Jewish Law, I would say that the ethical laws (mitzvot that relate to how we treat others, animals, and the environment) are binding on all Jews and ritual Jewish laws (including kashruit, ritual garments such as kippot and tefillin, etc.) should be studied by serious Reform Jews who should then decide whether he or she hears God speaking to us in the laws. Speaking personally, I can say that I have had some my most profound spiritual moments and insights when bound in my tefillin.
The question as to whether to help someone with their tefillin springs from a sense of importance in an individual’s fulfilling this mitzvah and the dignity gained by so doing. If we were asking if it were appropriate to help someone with dementia to conduct other important actions such as eating, drinking, or visiting friends, no one would think it anything less than an act of gemulit chasadim (bestowal of loving kindness) to do so. How much more so should we demonstrate this mitzvah in helping someone else perform another mitzvah? Even beyond this common sense approach, the Mishna in Pirke Avot (4:2) teaches that “mitzvah goreret mitzvah, a mitzvah leads to other mitzvot.” Just think how inspiring it would be to see such a beautiful act of caring the context of the morning minyan; how affirming it is to the dignity of life.
Rabbi Michael Lotker
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Question: Does it go against Jewish law (Halachah) for a Jewish teen to wear a "purity ring" that features no Christian symbols?
Does it go against Jewish law (Halachah) for a Jewish teen to wear a "purity ring" that features no Christian symbols?
Since Judaism traditional endorses sexual modesty and holds that sexual relations should take place in the context of marriage, I cannot think of a single reason why a “purity ring” with no Christian symbolism would violate Halachah.
Rabbi Michael Lotker
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Question: What is the original 'health' rationale for the Jewish law about not eating milk and meat together?
What is the original 'health' rationale for the Jewish law about not eating milk and meat together?
There is no evidence that an original health rationale existed for any of Judaism’s kosher laws. In introducing the dietary laws, the book of Leviticus (11:44) quotes God as saying “For I the Lord am your God: you shall sanctify yourselves and be holy, for I am holy. You shall not make yourselves unclean through …” Although there have been those who claim that there are health reasons behind the laws, other note that there are many unhealthy things (from poison mushrooms to schmaltz or chicken fat, that are kosher and seeing the Torah as health guide reduces its sanctity. It might also raise the issue as to once the health issues are addressed and removed (for example, with USDA inspected pork), should these laws be relaxed.
On three separate occasions, the Torah tells us not to "boil a kid in its mother's milk." (Ex. 23:19; Ex. 34:26; Deut. 14:21), but does not tell us the reason for this prohibition. Some scholars have suggested that boiling a young goat in its own mother’s milk was a Levantine ritual to ensure agricultural fertility. If this were the case, such a prohibition would fit in well with the Torah’s list of restrictions.
The rabbis of the Talmud (in Hullin 115b), noting that this restriction appears three times in the Torah, suggest that it refers to three separate restrictions:
Against cooking any milk and meat together
Against eating milk and meat together
Against benefiting from such a mixture
The tradition goes on to require separate sets of utensils in the effort to separate even the slightest mixing of milk and meat. This is a good example of the concept of “making a fence around the Torah as taught in the Mishna (Avot 1:1). Many suggest that they were motivated by the idea that whereas eating meat can only take place after the death of an animal, milk represents the essence of life and the two should not be mixed.
Although I have heard some rabbis teach that mixing milk and meat has adverse health effects, I have never seen these documented in either Jewish or scientific literature.
Rabbi Michael Lotker
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Question: Why do they use cheesecloth to cover the stone at the unveiling ceremony?
The unveiling ceremony is more of a relatively modern (instituted in the late 19th century in England and the United States) custom rather than a matter of Jewish Law. The custom reflects our desire to both dignify and formalize the erection of the stone. I also encourage families to reflect on their year of mourning, share memories and, perhaps, to share what they’ve learned in the last year. I have seen cemeteries use many different kinds of materials to cover the stone, including cheesecloth, other cloths or a sheet of paper. I suspect cheesecloth may be selected because of its white color (indicating purity), availability and low cost.
Rabbi Michael Lotker
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Question: I had a child with a Jewish man 33 years ago. At the time he wanted me to get an abortion, but I did not, and I did not tell him. He just found out of our son's existence a year ago.
What if any are his obgligations to this child? He left when he found out I was expecting. We are now in contact with each other, and he came to meet his son this last month. Is this child entitled to have his father's last name? The child has always known who his father was. I raised this child by myself as I don't believe in abortion. His father and I do talk often now. For a lot of years I had no way to contact his father. didn't know where he was, but recently I found him and told him he has a son. I am not Jewish and don't know the laws in that faith, or if he has any obligations to his son. Any answers would help me. Thanks.
It is important to begin by stressing the Jewish Talmudic principle of dina demalkhuta dina, that the law of the land (i.e., applicable state and federal law) should be followed. Therefore questions such as “is the child entitled to his father’s name” and the extent of specific obligations of the father toward his son can and should be addressed by competent counsel. The fact that the child is now 33 may make some of these questions moot.
Jewish tradition recognize many obligations of a parent toward a child and a child toward a parent. For example, the Talmud teaches that a father is obligated to have his son circumcised (Yad, Milah 1:1; SA YD 260:1), teach him Torah (sacred texts and Jewish traditions: (Yad, Talmud Torah 1:1; SA YD 245:1), teach him a trade and find him a wife. Similarly, a Jewish child has many obligations relating to the commandment to honor his/her parents. Since the question asks specifically about Jewish obligations, it is important to recognize that no Jewish movement would recognize this child as Jewish. The Reform movement, which recognizes patrilineal descent, considered the child of a Jew and a non-Jew Jewish only if the child has been raised Jewishly, which does not appear to be the case here. The fact that the father is Jewish does not make the child "half Jewish" or "of Jewish blood" under Jewish law.
Jewishly speaking, the father (who is Jewish) may well have obligations and the right to be a father to his son. Since the son is now an adult, he, with his father, can determine how their relationship will grow.
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Question: Is the divide between the ultra-Orthodox and other denominations (modern orthodox, conservative and reform) too great to promote a better understanding and respect between each other?
The divide between the ultra-Orthodox and other Jewish denominations is indeed great, one that sometimes strains my innately optimistic and perhaps naïve nature. I do not, however, believe that it must prohibit understanding and respect.
As a Reform rabbi with a great respect for Jewish observance and traditions (even those that I choose not to personally follow), I often feel compelled to explain the Orthodox life style to my friends and congregants. I have found the following parable to be helpful.
A man was walking by a house and saw to his alarm that the people in the home were gyrating and moving in a bizarre and alarming way – thrashing to and fro. About to reach for his cell phone to call the authorities, he saw and heard the front door opening and realized to his amazement and relief that the people were actually dancing to some lively music. Once he could hear the music, the movements didn’t seem bizarre at all. So it may be with our observance of the Orthodox. What seems bizarre to us may seem so only because we don’t hear the music.
As a Reform Jew, I can study the traditions of my more Orthodox family and learn to appreciate them. I would hope they would approach the practices of liberal Judaism in the same spirit. Most importantly, I would hope that we would all keep firmly in mind the many teachings that forbid us to hurt or humiliate anyone and that such an action is especially offensive when done in G-d’s name.
If there is a desire for understanding and respect it can be achieved. Without such desire, nothing can be achieved.
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Question: What is the reason for the shemittah [7th year of lying fallow] year? Doesn’t it cause hardships to farmers, who can’t work their fields for a year?
The reason for shemittah is made clear in the Torah. "God spoke to Moses at Mount Sinai, telling him to speak to the Israelites and say to them: When you come to the land that I am giving you, the land must be given a rest period, a sabbath to God. For six years you may plant your fields, prune your vineyards, and harvest your crops, but the seventh year is a sabbath of sabbaths for the land. It is God's sabbath during which you may not plant your fields, nor prune your vineyards. Do not harvest crops that grow on their own and do not gather the grapes on your unpruned vines, since it is a year of rest for the land. [What grows while] the land is resting may be eaten by you, by your male and female slaves, and by the employees and resident hands who live with you. All the crops shall be eaten by the domestic and wild animals that are in your land." (Leviticus 25:1-7) "And if ye shall say: 'What shall we eat the seventh year? behold, we may not sow, nor gather in our increase'; then I will command My blessing upon you in the sixth year, and it shall bring forth produce for the three years. And ye shall sow the eighth year, and eat of the produce, the old store; until the ninth year, until her produce come in, ye shall eat the old store." (Leviticus 25:20-22).
As the Torah explains, the reason is to give the land a rest; just as people, animals, etc. are given the seventh day as a rest so too is the land given the seventh year as a rest. The Torah’s solution to the hardships lies in the faith is that G-d will provide. The rabbis in the land of Israel in modern times addressed this problem by noting that the prohibition only applies to land owned by Jews (‘your land”) in the Land of Israel. To address the economic problems faced by farmers and consumers, they permitted Israeli Jewish farmers to temporarily sell their land to non-Jews in the shemittah year (the last one was 2007-2008) and use the crops. It is no surprise that this solution, which reminds me of selling one’s chometz to a gentile during Pesach, is controversial with some of the ultra-Orthodox not permitting such sale and lease-back.
Shemittah is one of the mitzvot that can only be observed in the land of Israel. In the last cycle, I remember hearing of a proposal that would allow the rest of us in the Diaspora to get in on the action. An entrepreneur in Israel proposed to lease a very small plot of land (a few square inches if I recall correctly) to Jews outside the Holy Land during the shemittah year and promise to do nothing at all with it as mandated by the Torah.
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Question: There’s always so much negativity in the news about Israel. And the good news often gets buried. Do influential Jews—bloggers, journalists, religious leaders—have an obligation to spread the word about positive developments coming out of Israel, in order to shed some positive light on Israel?
In my opinion, influential Jews have an obligation to speak the truth and use their influence in a positive way. Thus, since all Jews are members of Am Yisrael, the people Israel, we should speak and publicize truths about our people and its land and nation whenever possible and whenever such speaking will do good in the world. Of course, the truth is not always good and we have an obligation to be balanced and fair. Ultimately such balance enhances the speaker’s credibility.
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Question: We are told in the Torah that certain actions will cause “karet,” i.e., that the person will be cut off from the nation. What about those Haredi fanatics who are harassing people and vandalizing property? Shouldn’t that earn them “karet” as well? Why should they continue to be part of our nation?
My learned teacher and rabbi, Rabbi Ed Zeren, would instruct his students to ask of Torah three things: 1) what did the text mean to its contemporaries; 2) how did the rabbis of the Talmud interpret it and 3) what does it mean to us?
The Torah imposes karet “extirpation” or being cut off from the people for several offences committed deliberately including idolatry, desecration of Shabbat, the eating of leaven on Pesach, incest, adultery and for some forbidden foods. The rabbis of the Mishna (tractate Keretot, chapter 1, mishna 1) list 36 offenses punishable by karet. Importantly, they are all related to the categories mentioned in the Torah and all involve ritual and not ethical violations. The rabbis opined that those guilty of karet would be punished by heaven with a premature death
Judaism has always taught us to be sensitive to the feelings of others. An ancient Jewish teaching states: “It would be better for a person not to have been born than to experience these 7 things: the death of his children in his lifetime; economic dependence on others; an unnatural death; forgetting his learning; suffering; slavery; and publicly shaming his fellow man (emphasis my own).”[1]
This leaves us the question of what the teachings concerning karet mean to us. As a Reform rabbi, I have never been taught or asked about this subject. My internet search revealed an interesting quote from Rabbi Dr. Louis Jacobs (a 20th century British Conservative Rabbi; he writes: “This whole area is very obscure and is largely ignored in present-day Jewish theology.[2]
My own view is sympathetic to that of the questioner. I would hold that when a religious Jew commits a vile act in the name of G-d, it is an act of Hillul HaShem, desecration of G-d’s name and that such an act should not be tolerated by our religious community. Whether this sin is technically karet is not as important to me as our community’s response to it. Leaders of the Reform Movement have always condemned this kind of action which can never be justified by Jewish Law.
[1] Joseph Telushkin, Words That Hurt, Words That Heal, 1996, pg. 131.
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Question: Is it “wrong” if I have no desire to live in Israel? I like my friends, family, community, job, etc. where I am now. I support Israeli causes, but I have absolutely no desire to pick up and live there
The connection between Jews and Israel can be confusing. This is because Judaism is not a religion only but also a nationality. Not all Jews are Israelis (citizens of the modern 63 year old State of Israel), but all Jews are members of Am Yisrael, the ancient 4000 year people of Israel.
At one time, one’s religion and nationality were one and the same. If you were an Egyptian, you worshiped Egyptian gods; if you were Greek, you worshiped Greek gods, etc. Of course if you were an Israelite, you worshiped the Israelite G-d. Judaism is the sole surviving example of this ancient structure. It is often said that Judaism stands on three legs: G-d, Torah (meaning Jewish sacred literature) and Israel (meaning Jewish peoplehood). This unique nature of our tradition allows some Jews who are agnostic or even atheistic to remain proud, involved Jews.
Eretz Yisrael, the Land of Israel, has always been an important part of our tradition. Although the return of all Jews to the land of Israel may be an ideal, even a messianic ideal, we have for more than 2,500 years been a people who mostly live outside the Land of Israel in the Diaspora. Many, including this rabbi, believe this is a healthy state of affairs.
Living among the nations of the world supports the Jewish goal of teaching the world about the G-d of Abraham. By supporting the State of Israel in the US and in other nations in which we live, we help insure Israel’s stability. Furthermore, if all Jews in the world were to live in Israel, the entire world’s Jews could be annihilated by a single nuclear attack
For all these reasons, I see nothing “wrong” in being a Jew who embraces Jewish causes including Israeli causes but chooses to live outside the Land of Israel.
Rabbi Michael Lotker (Reform)
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